Disclaimer: Dating a married man is inappropriate and never worth the trouble it could bring. There are more than enough eligible single men in the world. Best to expend precious energy on finding those ones.
So you’ve got your eye on a married man, eh? More like he’s on your case, you say? Whatever, that kind of thing is always a funeral waiting to happen. Still, if you like flirting with danger, there are ways to enjoy another woman’s morsel, belch and live to tell the story. Look sharp and follow these rules.
1. Know the vital details of his daily schedule. That’s a no-brainer.
2. Go through his phone every clear-cut chance you get. Look out for numbers and names, particularly ones like ‘Sugar’, ‘Sweetheart’ and ‘Honey’, that show up frequently in his call history. The better if there are photos to go with the names. It’s called identifying the competition. In this case, what you don’t know will probably kill you.
3. If for some stupid reason he saves your name in full on his phone and you find out, change the entry to ‘LASTMA Official’, ‘Cleaning Agent’ or something equally obscure and safe. No fancy pet names.
4. When you call him (and vice versa), wait until he says “Hello” before speaking. Might not be him on the other end, you know?
5. If a woman ever answers his phone, reply with “Hello, ma” and ask to speak with Mr. *insert his full name*. And please, always have a foolproof professional reason for calling.
6. As much as you want to go everywhere with him, don’t. And even on the rare ocassions that you do go out with him (after dark, of course), never go to the same place twice. Do that and it’s only a matter of time before his jealous wife finds you and gives you an extreme makeover with a container of acid.
7. Don’t give into the sweet temptation to take photos with him. Not ever.
8. What do you do when he asks you to send him photos of you? Make sure your face never shows. Chances are he’s more interested on what’s below your neck anyway, so…
9. Watch your back. If he’s cheating on his wife with you, he could be replicating the process with a dozen other women. And those other women could be more dangerous than his wife. Probably are too.
10. Never, ever, ever visit him in his home. You’d be insane to do that. If he somehow gets you to have him over at your house, make him come after dark. Alone. None of that ‘bringing his drinking buddies over to meet you’ crap. The fewer people know about your relationship with him, the safer.
11. Don’t meet his relatives. His sister could be his wife’s secret ally. Don’t get chummy with his secretary, that witch will rat you out eventually. Yes, be paranoid like that, it’ll keep you breathing.
12. Know when to disappear from his life. Scenario: Unknown number calls you, you pick up and all you can hear on the other end is heavy breathing. Sis, disengage before the blood sacrifices start appearing on your doorstep mysteriously.