I’m not trying to alarm you or anything, just pointing out all the free side orders that almost always accompany the meals and snack foods you actually pay for at Mr Bigg’s (and several other food outlets). You’re better off eating home-cooked meals, really.
This is by far the most common and most easily spotted non-ingredient you can find in restaurant servings. Sometimes it’s human, and at other times it’s synthetic (like Yaki Twists in colour 10). Strands of hair make their way into food in the kitchen, especially one where the cooks/chefs don’t cover their heads when they’re whipping up delicious combos. Servers are also guilty, since they’re almost always standing over open containers of food. Can hair kill you? Nah, unless Rapunzel materialises and strangles you with her endless mane.
I used to love pounded yam. That was until I started paying close attention to the pounders. Now, I only eat stuff made from yam flour—not the same, but I feel safer. Clearly, yam pounding is probably the most rigorous kitchen exercise in the entire world. And because of the physical exertion that comes with it, a lot of water is lost, as sweat. Sweat on the pestle, sweat on the floor, sweat into the mortar… and onto the yam. And sweat is bodily excrement: salt water leaking through the pores, carrying dirt along as it flows. I’m done.
3. Skin peelings
Very disgusting, I agree, but did you know that the larger percentage of what you call dust in your home is actually really tiny flakes of dead skin? Well, at least that’s in your own home. Your own dead skin (if you’re like a hermit like me and you never have people over). Now, imagine a place where strangers work all week long. Picture a lot of skin flakes floating around and settling on every available surface, including on food that will wind up in your mouth. Then there are restaurant staff who just love to peel their own skin when they’re idle. It’s a human thing really, this obsession with peeling scabs. Try not to think too much about all that extra protein.
When people are idle, they get busy with their hands, and one of the most popular ports of call is the nose. And it’s not just kids. Digging is a favourite pastime of a lot of adults, they just might not snack on boogers like their pint-sized fellow nostril explorers, And that means that a lot of mucus gets rolled into tiny balls and flicked into empty space like a satellite set free from a rocket. But balls of mucus don’t go into orbit, they land. And the end of their trajectories could be the golden-brown skin of your crispy chicken wings. Don’t eat that juicy, mucus chicken. Mucus chicken not yummy.
How do too many cooks spoil the broth? By watering it down with spit as they talk. Sorry, I couldn’t resist. Seriously though, so much saliva goes into the food you eat that it should be officially recognised as a condiment or at least given some honourable mention. Workers in the kitchen talk: saliva. Servers talk: saliva. Waiters talk: saliva. If you’re eating with other people: saliva. I’d rather kiss a stranger and get it over with than have their saliva shower its way into my food.
All the best with the next meal you eat outside your home.
Image via Comic Company